Thursday, November 03, 2005

Its all rotten....

I was never a higher being.

Nor am I now. But I have certainly come a longway; from the kid who hungrily looked at bakery sweets and silently romanced toys at shops, from being stupidly jealous of my friend's pencil box and angry at myself for being born middle class. I was never confident about my identity.

Where did I belong?
That was the single most piercing question that haunted me always...and still do sometimes..My family was not rich, yet it was not poor...My parents always had 'just enough money' .We were taught to respect and accept it..

We were neither of the 'so called' high castes nor off the trampled down.And I never had to wait for a social revolution.Everybody said that it had already taken place...even before my father was born.

Not that I had a Complex, but this business of accepting scarcity with dignity was too much for me..
Classic Indian middle class dilemma...
I also got my share of the collective fatigue that my community suffered from while trying to find its position in the post revolutionary social hierarchy. I just couldn't place myself.

It carved niches of insecurity in my personality..

I wanted to be poor...so that I could happily be poor.
Or nauseatingly rich. So that I could flaunt it and live life king size....

Stupid me...
I tried to convince myself for a long time that Indians should not thinklike that..
That when millions starve, you can't be ambitious..
That sacrifice is better than success..
That you shouldn't dream big...


Stupidity...
Nothing changed in this country and nothing will...
Because we got one billion hypocrites in this nation..
People who ask you to be patriotic in a caste ridden, class ridden culture..
People who rape women and celebrate durga puja..
People who put surname above qualifications....
This country is poor because it should be...
This country stinks....